Texas Lady

This is the 2nd time in my life that I have intentionally wanted to be a housewife.  The first time I was 16 years old, newly married and very, very naive.  This time I am not newly married, not very young, with grown kids and family moved away long since.  The first time I was just doing what every little girl was raised to do: get married, have children and live happily ever after.  This time I’m living happily ever after and the rest doesn’t matter.  After working full time for 40 years, all my days are now Saturdays.  What a lovely thought!

It’s been a great, happy, peacefull and productive day.  I cooked toast and coffee for breakfast, chocolate brownies with pecans for mid-day snack, and put a roast and veggies in the crockpot for dinner (with a loaf of hot French bread to dip in the gravy).  I ran the dishwasher twice with all the cooking.  Ronnie washed Maximus’ and Bandit’s blankets so it smells much fresher in the living room crates.  I worked on my new laptop off and on all day, and, of course, we cuddled dogs all day.  For the life of me I don’t know why I got out of bed at 7 A.M. when I didn’t have to get up at all this morning, but I have noticed that since I haven’t worked nights for a month that I’m turning into a “day person”—–me, who has always been a “night person”?  Gods, what next?

I have no plans for tomorrow.  There are things I’d like to accomplish (vacuum, grocery store, finish the laundry) but I realized this afternoon that if I don’t get everything done the next day that there is another day following that it will get done.  No pressure.  No deadlines.  Wow!  What a concept!

…now the living begins.

When I left work last Sunday all I could see was this list of things I had to do, and that’s how I’ve lived for most of my life.  There’s always been a never-ending cacaphony of chores, errands, jobs, and responsibilities.  From where I sit today that list is almost done, so now what?  Monday I go to work and check out.  The rest of the week I have a couple doctor’s follow-up appointments and my housekeeper comes on Tuesday.  The remainder of the week is free to shape as I please.  Figuring out what I please is the next big thing in my life, the next step, and I’m trying to learn not to push myself too hard, to let things happen the way they will.  I think all my lists and planning will have to change in this phase of life…or I may have well just kept on working.

It’s been an eventful week.  Jolie was terribly ill last weekend and I was afraid that she wouldn’t make it through the night last Sunday.  I sat with her until 3 A.M. before I was sure she’d keep breathing if I slept awhile.  The vet gave her a shot of cortisone on Monday and that eased her breathing tremendously.  On Tuesday we started another trial of Prednisone and she’s visibly better now.

I had a whole week of appointments and errands, trying to take advantage of still having 2 insurance plans, making phone calls to ensure everything is switched over on the business side of things.  I’ve spent more time on the phone this week than I have in previous months.  The cable even went out Thursday and I spent a half hour on the phone for one call!  And I still have to get the life insurance switched over.  There are a lot of details to this retirement thing, especially when you add it to the living thing.  But I also planned some good things into this week, like a hair appointment (cut, color and highlight), pedi and waxing, and a little indulgent shopping at Palais Royal (they had a SALE!).

I’ve been pleased at my energy level this week but feel that I was simply running on stress for fuel and yesterday was the day I crashed.  I took Fancy for a ride to Petco and to Sonic for popcorn chicken and tots.  She loves to go in the car and hasn’t gotten too much personal time lately so it was just her day, one we both enjoyed.  But when I got home somebody pulled the rug out from under me and I slept sitting up on the loveseat.  I just couldn’t make myself get up and do anything.  At first I wondered what was wrong with me: why am I so tired all of a sudden?  Then I realized that I had simply run myself ragged all week and my body and brain needed a break.  So I just sat around under dogs’ butts, snuggled whoever was available and snoozed.  Around 9 P.M. I got a surge of energy and cleaned the kitchen.  I went to bed earlier and woke at 7 A.M.—-totally out of character for me when I don’t have to get up for anything in particular.  Today I’ve decided to do some things for myself that I’ve been putting off, enjoyed a pot of coffee and toast with Ronnie (who has the whole weekend off—Yay!), and still sit here in my nightgown.  We got a cold front in yesterday so all our 4-legged children are enjoying the new air.  I’m going to try to do the same.

I never have to work another weekend or another graveyard shift or any other shift.  Today was my last day of work, at least work for pay; I can still volunteer (after I get a much-needed vacation, of course).I was surprised that my co-workers were so enthused about my retirement.  On Friday there was a surprise cake, ice cream and visit by my management.  Today they cooked breakfast tacos then delivered coney islands for lunch with a gift from one girl of cupcakes to bring home to share with Ronnie.  I guess I never felt very important out there but I sure found out how much my co-workers cared the past few days.  I’m impressed, happy, pleased, surprised, elated and very, very touched by the send-off.  Wow!  It’s so nice to know how much they care.  I don’t think anyone ever really knows this stuff until it’s over and that’s too bad that it happens that way all too often.

Ronnie took me to Lowe’s to buy me a lawn chair to use on the patio so I can sit out there and watch the dogs play, read my books and enjoy the beautiful weather we’re having of late.  Simple things mean so much.  I’m so happy Ronnie and I agree on that; it makes life so much more peaceful.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Done with all the stress crap.  Errands done, dog medications all picked up; retirement list completed; exit interview scheduled with HR.  Bought groceries, had a manicure (broke a nail), bought cheap gas ($3.15/gal), loved all the 4-legged babies, ate supper and enjoyed a glass of wine. Health insurance taken care of, our prescription program transferred to the new insurance, phone calls made, swapped my email from Cloud to local.  Got notice they’d shipped our new laptop, received my new Chihuahua wine glasses (cute!) I’d ordered, etc.  Bought a few items for myself (at Walmart–don’t get excited!).  It’s just been a damned good day all the way around!

Tomorrow I have to go back to work, but I only have 3 days to work then I go on vacation.  And, I never have to work another graveyard shift.  I can’t even get my mind around that.  It’s still sinking in that it’s really, really over.  Ronnie commented that I was visibly calmer today than I have been for the past couple of weeks, and he’s absolutely right.  I’m beginning to “get it”.  I’m realizing that there was no bullet to dodge in this.  Life is good.

Tonight I can’t wipe the smile off my face!  It’s all over but the shouting now and I do feel a load has been removed from me.  I only have to work 3 more days then go on vacation and retire on October 29th.  Got most of my paperwork done today and that damned list is almost finished.  I ended up in the financial advisor’s office for almost 4 hours but he walked me through more than my pension and I’m grateful for that.  I took him a copy of my list and I think he knew how stressed I was feeling because he went out of his way to help.  I’ll have to send that man a very nice Christmas card.

I have tomorrow to wrap up all this leftover stress list and then perhaps I will be able to relax and start to really look forward to retirement.  I was very pleased that the financial outlook was rosier than I thought; now I just have to live a long life and enjoy what has taken me most of my life to build.  There is still an element of unreality to this whole retirement thing.  It’s hard to believe it’s really, really true.  I wonder how long it’ll be before it dawns on me what I have done, and have I done the right thing?  Jeez, what a thought!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is the day that I sign my working life away.  I will sign my papers at Fidelity which allow me to retire early after 29 years.  And I’ve decided that I’m ready to go now, by the end of this month. Should I work a couple more weeks it would only allow a few more bucks; it wouldn’t affect the pension amount in the long term.  They’ll just have to pay me for the vacation I have yet to take.  A coworker of mine has already cleaned out my two lockers on the unit.  All the FRC has been returned.  So, Fidelity tomorrow, then Benefits, then exit interview with HR.  All over except the shouting.

There have been rumors flying at the plant lately that the Amoco Heritage retirees have to be out by November 1st.  I called Fidelity on it yesterday but they denied that that was indeed a fact.  They’re going to check into it  and let me know what they find out.  Told me to go ahead and make my plans and I could always change them if they found something that would indeed affect me, but I think it doesn’t matter one way or another.  I’m done.  I’m ready to go; BP can have my job; give me my pension; I’m done.

I realized this afternoon that this vacation (last day was today) was practice for my retirement.  There are situations that slightly worried me about retiring and being home day in and day out.

1. Will I go stir-crazy being in these 4 walls every day?

2. Will I enjoy cooking every day (or the majority of them)?

3. Can I save money and be off, too (are they mutually exclusive?)?

4. One of my retirement goals was to visit each doctor and get clearance for my health and be able to live with only one insurance coverage

5. Etc…..I have a 2 page list of goals to retire

Yes, it can be crazy-making staying at home every day; we all know that but when it came up during the past two weeks I was happy to see that I reacted well.  The dogs were getting on my nerves and I just needed to have a change of scenery.  So I went to Barnes & Noble and browsed the cookbooks for an hour or so then I went to Starbucks, got an iced tea and a piece of lemon cake (ate 1/2 of it—yay, Me!).  By the time I got home I felt better all over and have 2 new cookbooks to play with.

I cooked most of my days off when I got home early enough to do so.  I tried some new recipes that we liked (and Ronnie took to work without me suggesting it).  Yesterday he asked if I would make another pan of cornbread so he could take the rest of the pinto beans to work for himself and the rest of his crew.  Yeah, I was hot and tired but I was more flattered so homemade cornbread it was!  He said they loved their lunch.  I felt like I was 10 feet tall.  Decided that there was something to this cooking thang.

Saving money was never my strong point but for the past few years since I’ve decided to retire early I’ve been learning.  To date I have all the big stuff paid off (except Ronnie’s truck which he is paying for as penance—-which is another story entirely), all the credit cards gone and (hopefully) the monthly bills at a manageable level.  We’ve done all the big ticket items in preparation.  You know buy a new laptop (have it custom built), a new iPad, new cellphones (iPhone 5 for me 4S for Ronnie), new refrigerator, new treadmill, new mattress set, additional sewing machines (total of 4 different machines now), boat paid off, new freezer in the garage, etc.  We still need a new roof and a patio cover (I still don’t know what I want) which Ronnie is going to pay for with his bonus.  So, financially I think we have it going our way.

I’ve been to each doctor, had an echo-cardiogram, dental cleaning, scheduled a scan of my carotid for next week, had 3 shots of cortisone in the bottom of my foot, ordered new orthodontal retainers, etc., etc., etc.  Talked to each office about the coming switch to one insurance company——-check!

Now I guess I want to know how I’m supposed to know that I’m ready to retire.  How do you KNOW?  I THINK I know but since I’ve never retired before what the hell do I know????????????  Any suggestions?  Still waiting to talk to the financial guru next week; what if he says I’m not ready?  What the hell will I do then?

It’s 1 A.M. and I’m way past my bedtime.  Dusty is asleep in my lap and Mimi is laying across my shoulders licking my right arm while she farts—audibly.  I have no idea why for either, but she obviously loves me and is comfortable in my presence no matter what is happening in her system.  I love that about dogs.  Thankfully there’s no aroma to abide.

There’s good news afoot; I don’t know where to start, but our company has finally been sold after being on the market for quite some time.  I don’t think that will have any effect on my situation since I’m retiring this year, but it’s still good news for someone, a lot of someones.

And Jolie’s situation has improved.  After completing another prednisone trial and changing all her medications I took her back to the vet for a recheck.  Happily we were told that she does not have congestive heart failure which is a wonderful thing, but she does have some damage to her lungs and still has problems with a cough.  She was doing so well that we stopped her nebulizer treatments to see whether they were helping or if we were just spinning our wheels with that treatment.  Unfortunately it was doing more than we assumed so her coughing has been worse the past few days.  We have, of course, resumed her breathing treatments and increased their frequency.  The cough is still bad but I think it’s coming back under control somewhat.  A funny (and sometimes not so funny) byproduct of all this attention is that Jolie is getting spoiled—and sometimes acts bratty around the other dogs.  She now expects to sit in our lap, no sharing with any other members of the pack.  She growls at the other dogs and attacks them if they’re in her way—not good.  She hasn’t lost an ounce and we’ve had to put her on low cal/low fat Science Diet to try to get some of the weight off her so it will tax her lungs less.  So it’s made feeding the other dogs a trial for us and them.  She will eat their food and will try to get their food out of their crates so she can eat it.  She is being fed twice per day, not being starved in any way, shape or manner.  She’s just used to dining to her heart’s content and doesn’t like the new plan and I don’t blame her; I’ve dieted most of my life and I’m still overweight.  I hate feeling like I’m being starved even when I’m not, so I know exactly how she feels.  We can’t increase her exercise because it taxes her lungs and makes her cough.  Ups the ante on Jolie’s challenges but we’re not giving up or backing down.  We love her even if she is becoming a little stinker.

The appointment I had with the financial planner for October 10th had to be rescheduled for the 17th due to the death of his grandmother on Saturday so I’m still stressing some over my retirement plan.  I hope I’m headed in the right direction or I will be headed for a rude awakening at the end of November.  Crossing my fingers and paying off everything I can in preparation.  Only Ronnie’s truck remains and that comes out of his check since he has wrecked 2 brand-new trucks in the last 3 years.  The truck payment is Ronnie’s job.

Got the cable TV installed again and that has removed one stressor from my life.  I never knew it bothered me.  Who knew?  And we joined the local gym that I wanted to join.  I told Ronnie that if he didn’t agree to join LA Fitness I would lay down on the floor and throw a temper tantrum like a 4-year-old.  He just said, “wait till I put my cameraphone on “movie” first”.  I’d have slapped him if I didn’t love him so much.  But, I got my way—-again.  Yes!!!!!!!!!!!  Should I start keeping score?  Nah, I’d probably be depressed if I learned he was winning and I was just too stupid to realize it.  Ignorance is indeed bliss sometimes.  And I’ve rescheduled the December vacation I had planned so I can take most of it before I retire in November.  The way it’s worked is that I’ll be off most of the month of October then work most of the month of November, then retire.  The end.  Kaput!  Then I’d have to be paid for the vacation that I’ve earned all this year for next year (6 whole weeks of vacation for my 30th year).  It’ll all work out….I just know it will eventually but since the Ambien has taken over my brain again.  The vacation will have to be worried about later on.  Good night, All.  I’m the only one still awake in our household; who the hell am I talking to?

Time to take my sleeping pill and put Maximus in his crate.  Seems a shame to wake him up where he’s soundly sleeping on the couch just to put him in his crate and lock the door.  But, I’m working nights and have to get some sleep. NO ONE wants Maximus running around unsupervised while I sleep.  Trust me…….

We’re still medicating Jolie and hoping for the best.  She’s finished the Prednisone and goes back to the vet on October 5th.  Until a few days ago we thought she was coming out of it and were pretty excited to think the worst was over.  Then, she started getting worse again for no explicable reason.  So we’ve doubled up on her nebulizer treatments and that seems to help at least some.  She has come to think of our house as her house now.  That makes me happy.  Now she’s protective of us and will bark, sometimes because Maximus pisses her off (just by being alive) and sometimes because there was a bird sitting in HER backyard and she was not amused.  We bought her a dragon costume for Halloween and are hoping she’ll still be here to parade it for the world.

Still working on retirement.  After talking to HR at work I found out the time is closer than I thought.  Due to some rules that are changing on our retirement at the end of the year it’ll be better if I leave sooner than I had planned……..and all I needed was an excuse.  Sometimes I’m surprised at all the details it takes to retire.  I think I’m doing a good job with the planning; I hope I’m not disappointed when I meet with our financial planner on October 10th.  It may be scarier than I’m aware and I’m just too damned stupid to realize it.  Crossing my fingers that that’s not the case.

After 6 months of no cable television, I realized the other day that it wasn’t going to work for me…………and I’m the one that “never” watches TV, right?  But none of the shows that I do like are accessible with an antenna, and if I’m going to be here more that might make a big difference in my happiness quotient.  So DirecTV will be here tomorrow to put it back in, just a cheaper plan and only one television set.  Sigh……………sometimes I have to learn things the hard way.  Why is that?

On a good note, we cancelled our gym membership that we hadn’t used for at least 5 years (and that’s probably generous) but still paid for every month when it debited out of our checking account.  There are 2 newer gyms built locally and more accessible from home; one of them will begin debiting out of our checking account soon.  One of my goals for retirement is to get more exercise, perhaps lose a few pounds, and feel better.  We have an appointment Saturday to tour the closest gym.  Wish me luck to convince Ronnie that this gym is the one we should choose.  Sometimes he’s such a pushover because he loves me so much and will give me anything I want, but sometimes (when I least expect it) he digs in his heels and won’t be budged.  Sometimes he’s even right but it still hacks me off to give in.  I think that has a lot to do with me being a woman.  It’s just how we roll and there’s nothing wrong with that either…….

I know there was a million things I wanted to write in today’s entry but the Ambien in my brain is beginning to build a smokescreen between thought and reality so I’d better sign out before I start giving away company secrets or something (do I know any company secrets?  well, maybe a few that are over there with my other thoughts).  I’ll try to post more often since I’m at least theoretically supposed to have more time on my hands soon.  Have a pleasant day; I’m going to try to go sleep through most of it.

And hope to get it.  The first miracle’s name is Jolie and she has a cough, is a little overweight, and just lost her beloved owner at the age of 93.  Her family has loved her and tried to get medical care for her, have gone through several treatments and diagnoses, yet Jolie coughs.  So it’s our turn to take her to our beloved veterinarian and try another tactic.  That treatment working for her is the miracle we seek.  Just today she has had prednisone, pills for cough, liquid for cough, antibiotic and nebulizer treatments.  Tomorrow will be the same.  She is not coughing as much, has lost a tiny bit of weight, learned to go in and out our doggie door, is eating well, and gets along fine with us and our pack.  She takes her medicines like a champ, endures the nebulizer treatments without complaint, comes when she’s called, understands the word “No”, is lovable and affectionate.

What we know is that there are shadows on her lungs and a mass at the top of her heart; what we don’t know is what is causing it.  She is heartworm negative which is a VERY big plus since she was formerly diagnosed with them and their vet told Jolie’s owner there was no hope for her to survive them, even advised him to euthanize her.  While she has had heartworms in the past and has been successfully treated for them, she currently tests negative, so that’s one very fatal diagnosis we do not have to deal with, and Jolie does not have to try to survive.  The shadows they saw on the x-rays may be scarring from her former bout with heartworms, damage that may be causing the cough, and damage that we may not be able to cure, only treat for the rest of her life.

We love the senior dogs.  They have so much character, are easy to train and have already gone through the puppy stages of chewing up the house and pooping on everything.  What’s not to like?  This senior girls is no different.  She’s gentle, sweet and settled.  No fights, no fuss, accepts the next step graciously and shows her trust of us and the manner in which we are caring for her.  I don’t know how long she’ll be with us at this point.  It depends on if we are doing her any good with this treatment.  Will it work?  I don’t know, but we trust our doctor to do what’s best and will follow her direction explicitly.  In the meantime we have another little angel with which to share our home and love while we try to get some of the weight off that is hampering her breathing and may be aggravating her lungs and making the cough worse than it has to be.  Until we can get her weight down we won’t be able to do the diagnostic echo that may identify the shadows on her heart and lungs and lead to a final, effective diagnosis and treatment.

Wish us luck.  Jolie will need all the help she can get and we could use the encouragement, too.  We’re not giving up on her but it would be nice if we got an easy one for a change and we’re hoping to see the second miracle–a cure for Jolie.